The Story

I was always somewhat sure of my salvation; believing when I was about 7 or 8 that, since I thought the Bible stories were true, I was a Christian. In retrospect, I can clearly see the idiocy of my thinking. No Christian ever got into heaven simply believing that Jonah was really swallowed by a whale. I was merely trying to justify my faith when asked to. As the days went by, I began having dreams at night. At first, the dreams were nothing else than diversions in my normal sleep pattern, but then they began to take on an increasingly disturbing and fatalistic tone. I began losing sleep at night and having reoccurring nightmares, making be scared and crabby during the day. After one particularly frightening dream, I ran down the stairs of my home and into the living room, where my mother sat, watching the TV. As we embraced, and as the tears of fear streamed down my face, the first phrase that I uttered was not the stereotypical "Mommy-I-had-a-bad-dream", but instead "Mom, I don't know if Im saved!" She was not as surprised as I was when I said that, I can tell you. She simply smiled her big smile and said, "Well, lets get down on our knees and pray". And we did.

You know? They're right. All those people that say that, when you get saved, a burden rolls off your back. That was definitely the case that wonderful night. I went back to bed that night satisfied, and, for the first night in weeks, I slept all night.

That, however, is only half the story.

Years after I was saved (about 6-7), we all moved out to the current family farm. In those 6 to 7 years, I had changed. No longer was I the confident one on the inside, though I did put on a good show. Whenever someone asked me about my salvation, I would simply point back to "that wonderful night" and let it go at that. Over the years, however, I began doubting my salvation. I had begun to fear Gods wonderful Rapture of His believers in the End Times, thinking that at any moment, all my loved ones would be whisked away to Glory and I would, as the best-selling title would imply, be "Left Behind". In retrospect, this was childish and stupid to think of, but, today, its fruits would strengthen me like no Bible study would be able to. I began to get moody, sometimes frightened, many times crabby. I distinctly remember sitting in our basement, on computer, when I heard... nothing. No pound of feet, no sound of voice. I instantly jumped from my chair and booked up the stairs and whisked open the door, thinking that the Rapture had happened and I was left there. Instead, I almost knocked over my mother as she was about to come down the stairs! This is just one example of the immense fear and doubt that I had about my own salvation. I was extremely depressed; if I knew what goth was at the time, I probably would have become one in a heartbeat. Depression tugged at me, fear and doubt assailed me constantly, and the pressures of a new environment simply added to the stress and anxiety. My thoughts constantly were on the dark things; morose and dreary were the words and mindset of the day. I began thinking how easy running away would be, how simple it would be to "disappear" and never show up again. To disappear; to become "non-existent", these are all things that filled the already dark corners of my mind.

Then, that day came.

I wanted to get out of the house and take a walk. I took the family dog on the leash, and out we went into the winter air. I never felt it, I never saw the day that was ahead of me, the beauty of nature, the sounds and sights of winter. My thoughts were completely on (and in) darkness. Our house sits on the top of one of a few small rolling hills around our area. The hills are practically unnoticeable until one walks on them. When I had taken the dog a ways away from our house, we came to a hill that gently rolled away from our house. Once on the other side, the house in completely blocked from view, and no homes are in sight. Just an empty field and one lone dying tree in the middle of it. I had taken the dog by the leash for some time when something happened. I felt like a load had been put on my shoulders and was weighing me down to the ground, not letting me up. I must have let go of the dogs leash, for the next thing I knew, I was completely alone in the field; a grey haze blocking all clear vision from my eyes. I couldn't get the haze away, nor could I escape the immense load that was carrying. I was sinking. At that point, at one exact moment, I cried, no, screamed out to heaven: God, help me. GOD, help me. GOD, HELP ME!!!!! GOD, HELP ME!!!! GOD HELP ME! GOD HELP ME!!! I raised my arms to heaven and continued to scream at the top of my lungs, calling of God to help save me. Finally, I practically collapsed on the ground, crying my heart out. At that point, I whispered to Him, "Into your arms, Lord. I give You everything. Take everything. Please help me, I beg of You. Please Lord, help me".
Then, I got up. Yes, I got up. With tears in my face, I found the courage to open my eyes. What I saw took my breath away. The day had not changed. The scenery: the same as always. The dead tree, still there. But there was such an astounding beauty and glory to that sight, that I almost fell again, this time out of sheer delight! The veil of grey was swept away from my eyes and the load was thrown away; once and for all. The snow on the ground shone with almost an unearthly glorious glow, and the sky, oh, the sky. Majestically blue, with one single cloud that diffused rays of sun onto me, like they were meant to do exactly that. The day was, well, heavenly. I began to cry tears of joy; I raised my arms in praise and began to scream "THANK YOU GOD!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!" I danced over the snowy field, I ran all over the place, all the while screaming praises to God. Then, out of nowhere, came the family dog. When I had first brought the dog outside, he too was rather subdued. But know, he was playful, as if he too knew exactly what I had gone though. I had received such an outpouring of God's loving kindness and comfort that even today I find it amazing.

I count that day as my "re-confirmation" of faith in Christ, and, without His help that wonderful day, I seriously doubt that I would be here today telling you about this.

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow"